Relationship Advice

Well, I DID say that some of the female behaviors you were bitching about sounded like a 20something Thing, and that your SOLE stated criterion for a suitable grrl (beauty) also sounded peculiarly 20something-ish. Having lived in a resort-type town for a minute myself, however, after reading your explanation I tend to think you really ARE plonked down there in an environment that is HEAVILY populated by emotionally superficial Beautiful People with way too much money & time on their hands and way too little incentive to look for (or BE) anything "deeper" than Party-Grrls/Boiz. This is so obvious I cringe to inquire, but have you tried placing a personal ad, either on the Net or tradmedia…? Now THAT I can discourse about, from firsthand experience, at truly nauseating length.

My brother broke it off with his girlfriend recently, partly because she was extremenly jealous. He was never allowed to even talk about his previous girlfriends and he felt like he had to look away from television and movies when a beautiful woman came on the screen, etc. It made him really uncomfortable.

Jealousy is a weird thing. I think it is human nature because all species of primates get jealous. I saw this documentary once about the sex lives of chimps. They live in fear worse than we do. Think about it, there is no law in the wild. If you are a weak male chimp, you’ll die a virgin or get killed because you had sex with one of the females that you weren’t allowed to touch. And the females have no choice about who has sex with them whatsoever. Pretty brutal. I guess you could say, it’s a jungle out there. : )

But thinking about it like rational civilized people… There are only two genders, so half the people in the world are guys and the other half are girls. So if you tell your boyfriend he can’t be friends with other girls, you’ve effectively cut off half of the people in the world he could have been friends with.

Most people would agree that it is fine to have friends even if they are of the opposite gender. But then the fear factor comes in. If the boyfriend socializes with other girls, he might decide to leave you for one of them. Then it snowballs into a big issue and it seems like every girl you see is flirting with your boyfriend and it seems like he is flirting right back.

Here are the key factors. If your boyfriend is going to leave you for another girl, then it isn’t going to matter if you don’t allow him to talk to other girls. In fact, restricting his social life would probably make him leave sooner. But if he is going to stay with you, then it is because he loves you and it would not matter how many girls he is friends with or if they flirt with him or not.

Jealousy comes from fear and insecurity. We all want to be secure in our relationships. The best form of security is in knowing that you have placed no restrictions on your boyfriend and he stays with you anyway. If you lay down rules and laws that prevent him from socializing with other girls, how will you ever know if he is with you because he loves you or simply because he is afraid of meeting other girls. Would it really make you feel loved to know that your boyfriend is only with you because he feels like he in not allowed to leave? Probably not. But think how great you would feel if your boyfriend was free to do whatever he wanted and he had lots of female friends and he still chose to be with you.

The most healthy relationships I have ever seen have been the most free and open ones. And those people always sem to be the most secure and happy people in the world.

Sometimes time and distance can make people realize that they made the biggest mistakes of their lives but breaking up with someone. Work on your self confidence issue. YOu are a good, wonderful person who has no reason to be jealous of anyone. Take a break from each other and see other guys and work on being more self confident. You might want to let guys approach you and do most of the calling and persuing in the beginning of the relationship. That way you know that they like you and want to be with you and you only you. If you let guys persue it gives you that sought after and cherished feeling of being loved and I bet your insecurites and jealousies will go away. You will have that smug secure feeling of know that he like you and wants to be you and you will have no reason to be jealous. He will not notice other women since you let him persue you. Try my advice and let me know how you do.

I don’t know what to do.I feel like I have to be at 2 places at once and I can’t be.I just don’t know what to do and I am in a big mess.Something happened in college exactly what I was afraid that would happen.I don’t feel comfortable saying what it is though.I have been feeling a little better since then.I want to say but i don’t want to let my secret out.Only my family knows what it is and a couple of my sisters friends like to.I didn’t even want to tell anyone but I did.I feel so guilty because I love the love of my life so much and I can’t see myself giving him up.I guess that i will say what it is .I like someone in one of my classes at the college I still love the love of my life very much.Things have been weird since I have started to like the boy in my class.I have been seeing the love of my life more especially when I really start thinking about this other boy.I am confused right now.The boy that I was talking about is graduating next month.I want to talk to him but ! I am afraid to.I don’t know wh at to say to him and I don’t want him to find out that I like him either.

You sound like you’re about twelve years old. You are certainly not mature enough for a serious committed relationship so why not date as many guys as you like? As for how to talk to this guy, why not ask him something about an assignment or an exam? "Did you get the notes from yesterday’s class?" "What did you think of that exam?" "Have you started writing the essay yet?" "What do you think of the instructor?"

Your husbands jealousies have to do with his own insecurities nothing you have said or done. Please think about trying to go to counseling or talk to your husband about what is happening. If not as sad as it may be you may h ave to end the relationship.

Does he realize that he is jealous for no good reason? Does he realize that it is his own mind that is making him jealous, that it is his problem and it is not because of anything that you are doing to make him jealous? It’s something he has to realize before he can overcome it.

I know what you must be going thu as I have put my wife thru similar times.It is basically my own insecurity and need to control her that caused me to behave this way.The end result was that she is finally on her own.Its been a couple of months and for a while I was sure she had got involved with this guy ( a friend of mine and a recovering alcoholic ) She tried a lot to reassure me, but like your husband I was unstable and swung from "understanding husband" to "jealous guy".Today at my expense I know that there was nothing between them except platonic love.I could never understand it, still cant really cause I cannot imagine having a close relationship with any woman and not trying to make a pass at least.I am emotionally upset today at her not wanting to have much to do with me, but as it happens I do love her a lot, and today when I see the amount of courage that girl has found in herself, looking at it dispassionately I see how much she gave up to try and please me.I hate to say it, but the truth is that she is doing better without me today then she ever did in our 16 yrs of marriage.I pray that this seperation is only temporary, but I will not blame her for not wanting to reconcile ( she may be scared of becoming a doormat again).Regarding sex she did initiate it many a time but I used it as a tool to control her as we did have good sex together. Take a break before u get to a stage that you get forced into breaking away.Its horrible for both parties.

have just broken up from a relationship. The main problem was my insucurity and jealousy. This is a reoccuring theme (in varing degrees) for me throughout my life. The man I have just parted from (although not perfect) was idea. Although I know I can’t get him back the future seems unbearable unless I find a way of dealing with my problem. I don’t know where to go, who to talk to, or what to read. Any help appreciated. Thank you.

Because usually there isn’t jealousy — without reason — without insecurity. But I think you see this. It will be a long road though. My wife and I are still working through our own insecurities that have in the past manifested themselves into some form of jealousy. If you’re open with yourself and with future significant others, a lot of the work has already been done.

Do people really ever overcome their jealousy though? I wrote to the group a week or so ago about my problems with my husband being intensley jealous and then him getting a phone call from some female saying I was having an affair at work.

I am still living on a knife edge with him going from his usual loving happy self to obvious bottled up anger and contempt mistrust etc. It can happena t any time and I never know which husband he is from one moment to the next, I am quite often miserable and my self esteem and confidence has been demolished.

I have questioned everything I do and come up less sure than ever, am I really a slut and havent realised but he can see it in there somewhere so he doesnt trust me.

I love sex and always have I often initiate it and enjoy it immensley as we are very compatible and his drive matches my own, but now I begin to feel that I should have seemed less keen as he might think that I am this hot with just anyone I fancy once out of his sight.

I ahve questioned the good friendship that I have with a male at work which is entirely platonic and come out feeling that maybe somehow all this is my fault after all.

Will he ever get over this, I have spent hours reassuring him but he still has these intense fits of personality change. i must say that his jealousy has been a problem for about a year since I went out to work after being a housewife, and this phone call has just made things all the worse.

I feel I want to leave for a break it is tearing me apart.

The reality is that relationships is a two way street. Both of you must give and take in order for this to work. At this point because his kids are under aged, they w ill be the most important thing in his life. There is his CHILDREN. If you came first, I would have to wonder what kind of man he was. You should not feel jealous of them. It’s hard after being a dad and a husband to start your own life, and sometimes be a part-time Daddy. Believe, I have seen this happen with an ex. YOu must lift him up and support his efforts in being a father. Step in and be a step mom. It’s a package deal, whether you want it or not, their coming with him in this deal. I don’t think your being selfish, what you feel is normal for a yong woman your age. It’s a hard road to travel. I know this by experience too. and Im two, almost three years older than you.

Sit down and have a heart to heart with him. Say something to the effect like " Listen, I care for you and your children very deeply. All of you are very important in my life. However, sometimes I feel like Im left out of the game. I want to be more part of your life and your family. But in order for me to do this, I need more support from you." And let him know your not mad, or upset, show it in your voice, because if you don’t he’ll feel pressured and confronted. Men hate this, they feel like a cornered possum. Just tell him in a regular, and calm voice. Don’t give ultimatums, choices, or complaints. It won’t work to your advantage.

If this doesn’t work then it doesn’t hurt to see a relationship therapist. This person will help you two, without really being directly involved on how to share the feelings, and responsibilities in t he relationships. Seeing one does not mean there’s problems, it is merely bringing in a non-biased mediator to help each of you to see the other side and help you learn to meet in the middle. Right now both of you are far off the the right and left….

think I understand his and his childrens feelings pretty well. It must be very hard for him being the great daddy that he is and at the same time wanting to satisfy me. And the children must also find it difficult to have a new familymember, I know that they had him before me and that they also feel that I’m in their way. Knowing that his kids go throug the same thing as I do , doesn’t help me at all. It only makes me feel even worse that I’m hurting them and I trie to stay in the background to give them space with him. We don’t have a conflict about this cause I know in my head what is right and what is not, but getting my heart to understand that is hard. If you think listening to your heart and being sensible is a bad thing it’s up to you, but you shouldn’t put other people down for that reason.

he maturity that you need to understand these issues can only be gained through time and experience. You sound like a sensible girl who wants to handle this the right way and can’t help it if your feelings get hurt. Since you don’t have kids, try to think of your own relationship with your father. Did you have a step-mother? If not, try to imagine having one and having her feel jealous of the time and attention your father gave you. You’d be indignant, right? He’s your father and he was so before she ever came into the picture.

Also, remember that these kids are probably feeling similar feelings about you and as kids they have no where near the maturity to handle it properly. So they may be awful to you at times. This doesn’t help matters on your end at all, does it? It only makes you resent them more.

If you want to be the first and only love in your man’s life, then find a man who has never loved (and who has no kids) and then good luck with that. If you want to spend your life with this man, then learn to accept your role as just one of the people in his life whom he loves and cherish that role and its unique place in his life. No other woman will be what you are to him, not even his daughters.

As for feeling left out, try to think of it as a chance to go and do fun things yourself. Spend some time with friends, go shopping, read a book. Not to say that you should never try to join in with your man and his daughters’ activities–on the contrary you should watch for opportunities to share that time with them and get to know those girls. But don’t begrudge them some time alone with their dad. After all, didn’t you have special times alone with your dad? If not, it’s too bad. Those times are priceless.