Relationship Advice

have just broken up from a relationship. The main problem was my insucurity and jealousy. This is a reoccuring theme (in varing degrees) for me throughout my life. The man I have just parted from (although not perfect) was idea. Although I know I can’t get him back the future seems unbearable unless I find a way of dealing with my problem. I don’t know where to go, who to talk to, or what to read. Any help appreciated. Thank you.

Because usually there isn’t jealousy — without reason — without insecurity. But I think you see this. It will be a long road though. My wife and I are still working through our own insecurities that have in the past manifested themselves into some form of jealousy. If you’re open with yourself and with future significant others, a lot of the work has already been done.

Do people really ever overcome their jealousy though? I wrote to the group a week or so ago about my problems with my husband being intensley jealous and then him getting a phone call from some female saying I was having an affair at work.

I am still living on a knife edge with him going from his usual loving happy self to obvious bottled up anger and contempt mistrust etc. It can happena t any time and I never know which husband he is from one moment to the next, I am quite often miserable and my self esteem and confidence has been demolished.

I have questioned everything I do and come up less sure than ever, am I really a slut and havent realised but he can see it in there somewhere so he doesnt trust me.

I love sex and always have I often initiate it and enjoy it immensley as we are very compatible and his drive matches my own, but now I begin to feel that I should have seemed less keen as he might think that I am this hot with just anyone I fancy once out of his sight.

I ahve questioned the good friendship that I have with a male at work which is entirely platonic and come out feeling that maybe somehow all this is my fault after all.

Will he ever get over this, I have spent hours reassuring him but he still has these intense fits of personality change. i must say that his jealousy has been a problem for about a year since I went out to work after being a housewife, and this phone call has just made things all the worse.

I feel I want to leave for a break it is tearing me apart.

The reality is that relationships is a two way street. Both of you must give and take in order for this to work. At this point because his kids are under aged, they w ill be the most important thing in his life. There is his CHILDREN. If you came first, I would have to wonder what kind of man he was. You should not feel jealous of them. It’s hard after being a dad and a husband to start your own life, and sometimes be a part-time Daddy. Believe, I have seen this happen with an ex. YOu must lift him up and support his efforts in being a father. Step in and be a step mom. It’s a package deal, whether you want it or not, their coming with him in this deal. I don’t think your being selfish, what you feel is normal for a yong woman your age. It’s a hard road to travel. I know this by experience too. and Im two, almost three years older than you.

Sit down and have a heart to heart with him. Say something to the effect like " Listen, I care for you and your children very deeply. All of you are very important in my life. However, sometimes I feel like Im left out of the game. I want to be more part of your life and your family. But in order for me to do this, I need more support from you." And let him know your not mad, or upset, show it in your voice, because if you don’t he’ll feel pressured and confronted. Men hate this, they feel like a cornered possum. Just tell him in a regular, and calm voice. Don’t give ultimatums, choices, or complaints. It won’t work to your advantage.

If this doesn’t work then it doesn’t hurt to see a relationship therapist. This person will help you two, without really being directly involved on how to share the feelings, and responsibilities in t he relationships. Seeing one does not mean there’s problems, it is merely bringing in a non-biased mediator to help each of you to see the other side and help you learn to meet in the middle. Right now both of you are far off the the right and left….

think I understand his and his childrens feelings pretty well. It must be very hard for him being the great daddy that he is and at the same time wanting to satisfy me. And the children must also find it difficult to have a new familymember, I know that they had him before me and that they also feel that I’m in their way. Knowing that his kids go throug the same thing as I do , doesn’t help me at all. It only makes me feel even worse that I’m hurting them and I trie to stay in the background to give them space with him. We don’t have a conflict about this cause I know in my head what is right and what is not, but getting my heart to understand that is hard. If you think listening to your heart and being sensible is a bad thing it’s up to you, but you shouldn’t put other people down for that reason.

he maturity that you need to understand these issues can only be gained through time and experience. You sound like a sensible girl who wants to handle this the right way and can’t help it if your feelings get hurt. Since you don’t have kids, try to think of your own relationship with your father. Did you have a step-mother? If not, try to imagine having one and having her feel jealous of the time and attention your father gave you. You’d be indignant, right? He’s your father and he was so before she ever came into the picture.

Also, remember that these kids are probably feeling similar feelings about you and as kids they have no where near the maturity to handle it properly. So they may be awful to you at times. This doesn’t help matters on your end at all, does it? It only makes you resent them more.

If you want to be the first and only love in your man’s life, then find a man who has never loved (and who has no kids) and then good luck with that. If you want to spend your life with this man, then learn to accept your role as just one of the people in his life whom he loves and cherish that role and its unique place in his life. No other woman will be what you are to him, not even his daughters.

As for feeling left out, try to think of it as a chance to go and do fun things yourself. Spend some time with friends, go shopping, read a book. Not to say that you should never try to join in with your man and his daughters’ activities–on the contrary you should watch for opportunities to share that time with them and get to know those girls. But don’t begrudge them some time alone with their dad. After all, didn’t you have special times alone with your dad? If not, it’s too bad. Those times are priceless.

1,5 years ago I’ve moved 1000 km to live with my man and and his two girls, 6 and 7 years old, which we have every other week. His kids is the only thing we argue about. He doesn’t understand at all that I somethimes feel left out. This is very hard for me cause since he doesn’t understand, he can’t give me the help and support I need. I’m 24 years old (he is 37) and before I moved here I had no experiense at all from kids. Can someone tell me how speed the process up a bit, cause it’s getting better, but to slow. I don’t wanna feel jealous for the rest of my life. I feel like I’m sharing his love with two other girls. He tells me that the love he feels for them isn’t the same love that he feels for me. ( Tell me if you don’t follow, I’m from Sweden so be patiant). But since I don’t have any kids I only know one love. What is the differense, and I don’t wanna hear that his kids are the love of his life. Cause I wanna be and right now it does’nt feel that way.

This is a hard situation My friend. First of all I want to encourage you in your recovery. It’s hard, I know. I have seen first hand what ALcohol and drugs can do to a family coming from a Prescription drug dependant mother who is recovered herself for years now.

After a time of dealing with a person going through this, your soul get’s tired. You need to be alone and heal yourself. Give her the space she needs. Sit her down and say this. " I know that I have not been the best husband or father that I could have been. Im trying to change that, to be a different person for you and our child. I love you and miss you both very much and i am willing to do what it takes, give up whatever it takes to bring our family back together. And if that means giving you your space, I will, but I want you to know that I am here for you when your ready to try again, and that is all Im asking, is another chance to prove to you that Ic an be the husband and father the both of you need." Then seek counseling if you don’t already have it. Make sure she knows that you are doing this.

If you really want this work in your life you may have to give up a lot of things. That’s what love is about, being willing to give up what you normally might not to be with those you love.

Now I also want to let you know that you may not get her back. the street can go both ways on this. Sometimes after such a trying road you have put her down, women just cant do it anymore and need to pay attention to themselves for once. The woman psyche is strong, but like anything else, needs nourishment and comfort. In order to do that, she may have to go a separate path from your marriage. You may have to come into acceptance of that and learn to live your life without her and booze.

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, set it on fire."

Sorry, but I have always found the original statement idiotic beyond belief. It is impossible to "set free" another adult. It’s simply not your decision. You never owned him/her and you never will, regardless of any love or lack thereof between you.

If you HONESTLY BELIEVE you have any personal/emotional power whatsoever over another adult — i.e., you DO think you own or control them — you need your head examined. What is making you unhappy is not your lover’s behavior. It is simply the frustration that inevitably ensues when unrealistic expectations ("if I do THIS, then s/he will do THAT") collide with reality ("s/he does what s/he does for his/her own reasons, and nothing I say or do will, or SHOULD, necessarily change this").

I wish I could remember which mid-80s Human Potential seminar/speaker I picked this particularly pithy formulation up from, but with full credit to its alas anonymous originator (grrrr!) here’s the paraphrase: Unhappiness and frustration are the result of your expectations being in conflict with Reality. If you want to eliminate the unhappiness, either change Reality — which is usually impossible for most of us!, or just change your expectations — and we can ALL do THAT."

I am Indian and worked in the Navy.Unfortunately I am also an alcoholic.I am working hard at overcoming this illness with a reasonable degree of sucess.My wife of 16 yrs has decided to "grow" just at the time I was really overcoming my problems.There is no other man on the scene or anything like that, its just that she has suddenly " found " herself.She now claims that she wants to concentrate on our child 14 yrs old.She has spent the earlier part of our marriage concentrating on me.We are at the moment seperated by circumstances, I have a job in another city nearby.The job is prestigeous, I am the head of an institution giving pre sea training.

My problem is that I still love her very much and at times I feel that life is quite meaningless the way it is going.I work hard and have job satisfaction, but I feel the need to share my life and my achievements with someone. My wife however wants to keep a distance from me as she says I upset her psyche.We have had a lot of happy moments and a very active and satisfying sex life, there have however also been those times that I have been drunk for days and behaved like a pig.Due to this we hardly had a social life.I miss her a lot and also know that I am to blame for the situation I am in.Can anyone out there suugest some way out ?

Answer:Just give it time, my man. During this time, let her see through your actions that you are not drinking anymore. Keep in touch with her and your child. Don’t push it with the wife. But let her know how sorry you are for the way things have gone. Admit your faults. Accept responsibility for your actions. Apologize when appropriate. Let her know that you are not ready to give up on this marriage yet.

I haven’t tried to judge anyone on this list. But here’s how I saw it: the fellow whose wife is gone seemed remorseful about the way he had been toward his wife as well as his alcoholism. That’s how I read it from the information he gave us. From the information you gave us, it seemed to me that you were creating a problem where there wasn’t and shouldn’t be a problem in the first place. I stand by all of the advice I have given on this list whether it was to you or anyone else. You can do with that advice what you want with it. But from now on, I’ll try to be kinder and gentler.

Most of the people here are young professional people who are living the "good life" in Colorado and all that. But at any given time there is a very significant number of people just visiting the area on vacation, I think of them as "the lookers" because they just come here to see all the freaky Boulder people, check the place out, buy some silly $800 souvenir from one of the gift shops, and then they are gone. There are also a lot of scruffy homeless people and street performers. You get the picture.

But anyway, most of the girls here are in their 20s, some in their 30s. It’s a very young town and I like young people. There are more guys than girls though, except for the college students, but I don’t hang out with the college crowd. I would say that most of the girls here are, as you say, "beautiful" (as opposed to "attractive" like you said in your message). In fact, there are no girls here who are not good looking, I mean almost zero. They do a good job of blending that cover-girl image with the all-natural Colorado look. Any guy would be very impressed if he came here and looked around. And they are all nice and friendly enough, but some vital quality is missing. Most of the girls just go out and sit around with no expression on their faces and wait for guys to talk to them. I talk to some of them sometimes, but I can’t just have twenty minutes of meaningless smalltalk and then go jump into bed with them.

I’m not explaining this very well because it is so much more complex than that. When I go out, it seems like everyone is looking at each other waiting for someone else to make the first move, like they are all afraid of each other. It is a very skittish atmosphere and after living here for a few years, it’s really hard not to fall into that rut. And I was never the most outgoing person in the first place. Whenever I do talk to girls it turns out to be a mistake. Sometimes they just play along and lead me on until I admit that I’m attracted to them, just to boost their ego at the expense of my emotional well-being (those are the "ego girls", they never wind up with boyfriends but they think they are the hottest things this side of the sun). With other girls, I get the impression that it will take a lot more than just a simple introduction to crack their code, like I would have to tell them that I am a movie producer or something. Some girls I talk to can’t even look at me, they just glance around the room and give me one-word responses to my feeble attempts at conversation until I finally just say, "Well, it was nice meeting you." and I walk away. A lot of people here seem to have that "on the go" way about them, where they either don’t even have time to hang out or else they are just afraid of real human interaction. After a while, you develop defense strategies like just never talking to any girls at all. But then I see all those damn beautiful girls all over town flaunting and taunting and it is really frustrating.

I am going to move to Portland OR but not until next year. My worst fear is that I will discover that girls are the same way everywhere else. But I go to Oregon a lot and the people there seem much more natural and real. That’s what I’m hoping anyway. If I am around natural people, I should be able lose my embedded fears and defense strategies over time and break out of this rut. A friend asked why I would leave Boulder where there is so much to do and the sun shines 320 days per year just to go to a place where it rains all of the time. I said, "My happiness comes from the people around me. There are a lot of cloudy days for me in Boulder."

Any advice, anyone? And hey, thanks everyone for caring and emailing me. Sorry if I sound gloomy but this whole relationship thing wears on me and affects every aspect of my life.

ive a couple of them to me. I haven’t had a girlfriend for 4 years, only had sex a few times during that time and it was with one girl. And I’m a really great person, fun to be around, not bad looking, responsible and successful, my friends all think I’m really cool. I just never find girls who seem natural and genuine. And they seem to shy away from me like I have some horrible disease. Are there any girls out there who don’t play games, who are don’t pretend to be something they are not, who are not so shy that they can’t even look at a guy when he makes a sincere attempt just to meet them, who can just relax, feel free, and enjoy the moment? I guess that is too much to expect, at least in the town that I live in. There are a lot of really beautiful girls here but it seems like the only enjoyment I will get from them is to watch them walking by.